sometimes, i hate you. sometimes, you irritate the hell out of me..

...then you sing to me, and then you say all these things that make it so damn hard for me to hate you.

"what you are in love with, what siezes your imagination, will affect everything.  it will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. fall in love, stay in love, and will decide everything."

i came across this when i was reading the papers awhile back, and it struck me. it gave me the chance to take a closer look at my own experiences of falling in love, especially at such a young age.

i've always been one to set boundaries, and make sure that my relationships, especially that with my boyfriend, are always under control and not too much to handle. with every move that i made, i thought to myself: "is this too much?" and i constantly worried about how every decision i made regarding my relationship with him would affect my relationships with everyone else. but true enough, no matter how i tried to control it, falling in love changed everything.

falling in love with seb changed me so much that i see myself as a completely different person as i was before he came along. i've always been one to promote individuality, but with him, i found myself beginning to slowly change just to be able to please him. though i always did try to never compromise my own style and individuality, in a relationship, it's pretty hard not to give in to conformity. i never really knew whether this was a bad thing or a good thing.

every aspect of my life has changed since falling in love came to the picture. i strive harder in school and in soccer, so seb could be proud of me. i try to stay out of trouble so i would be given more freedom to be with him. most of my decsions, in one way or another, concern seb. from decisions like what to wear to the mall, or that like where i'm gonna be spending my college life. nevertheless, i feel as though i'm a better person having fallen in love with seb. i know more of the important things, i've seen more of the beautiful places, all because i let my guard down, and fell in love.

.... so screw boundaries. because after all, it's boundaries that keep us from experincing things that we must in this life.

i'm in love, and it has changed everything. . . . so what?  

I MISS CAMP

soccer camp as definitely one of the highlights of my summer. it was just too fun. it was nice to get away from all the crap in my life and do something i love with the greatest people on earth.

on our first night.. we played a prank on inez! haha. nikki put chili on her toothbrush, so when she was brushing her teeth, she freaked out! the first thing she said was: (referring to the toothpaste) "ano ba toh? hot and spicy flavor?" wahahaha.

on our last night.. we went to this night place in los banos. we call it "southwood" haha. as in eastwood of the south. haha. we're lame. anyway, we had a good dinner, then got matching hennas! it was super cool. then we did some shisha! even the coaches did it. it was super kaduper fun.

there were WAY too many memories thats it's just impossible to mention it all here. i'm SO glad i went. i just wish it was longer.. alot longer. three days spent with those people isn't even close to being enough. 

i miss...

*our insanely messy room. (it was so gross that when i got home, i felt as if my room smelled funny)

*the best roomies ever. INEZ AND NIKKI!

*bunso!! haha

*southwood :)

*our gross habits. haha.

*kim and bear winito

*fun training!

 most of all, i miss being assured a good time. i miss not having to worry about anything else in the world, and just being with everyone, far far away from my crazy life in manila.

i cleaned out some of my sister's stuff today. i've been putting it off for awhile now, but it really was time to accept change, and be done with it. for some reason, i felt this weird feeling in my stomach. it was as if i was erasing little bits of her. the little things that filled our messy room, little things that i took one look at, and got this picture of her in my head.

i felt this emptiness all of a sudden. i felt like something was missing. i've felt this for awhile actually. i've just sorta been in denial that she really is gone. it's only now that i've really felt it. now that alot of her stuff has been cleared up, i feel completely alone.  there were some of her stuff that i just didn't have the heart to clear up. old photographs, little notes, the things that actually meant something. so now there are parts of my room that make it seem like it's really just my room, and then there are my favorite parts.. 

... the parts of it that make it seem like she never left.